Tears Caused by Kindness
I’m sitting at the kitchen table, tears rolling down my cheeks. Every now and then it all gets a bit much and I have a good old cry about how damned screwed up this whole cancer mess is.
These aren’t those kind of tears though, these tears have been caused by kindness.
It’s a strange mixture of joy and sadness. To say I’m touched beyond belief seems like an understatement but that’s the only way to describe it. I am so incredibly overwhelmed by the love and generosity beaming out of the laptop screen in front of me but I can’t do the feeling justice with words alone.
Let’s re-wind a second and I’ll explain.
A couple of days ago I decided it was time to fly back to England. Having cancer and being so far away from my family has been bloody tough on all of us. They’d be happy to hang out with even the worst version of me – the kind of unconditional love that only family can really provide.
Excited to be the bearer of good news for a change, I was eager to skype my siblings and tell them about my visit but when I did I was struck with a very special surprise. It turns out that when I was diagnosed back in February my brother Thom started crowdfunding to get me back to England. How on earth he kept this a secret until now is completely beyond me.
Getting me back to my family right now is the most practicably perfect help anyone could offer. This generous collection has taken an enormous amount of financial pressure off my boyfriend and I. It also means that soon I’ll be in a place where I can concentrate on recovery and relaxation. Where I can take some time to reflect on the last three months and try to make sense of my new normal.
I’ve also been referred to The Royal Marsden Hospital while I’m back in London. The Marsden’s a specialist cancer hospital where I’ll be able to get a second opinion and the opportunity to discuss treatment options that aren’t available in New Zealand. This is a privilege that many cancer patients simply don’t have access to.
When you live on the other side of the world it’s a bit like living a double life: two homes, two communities, both of which hold a place in my heart. Looking at the page Thom set up I realise that I’ve had the honour of meeting so many wonderful people throughout the course of my life. Now these incredible humans have taken the time to read my story and offer their help. They’ve taken the time to care.
I have so much to be grateful for. The truth is I’m dumbstruck by the generosity of everyone and I don’t know how to even begin to thank you all.
Since I was diagnosed none of my treatment has gone to plan. Last week we received further results that changed my prognosis all over again. I don’t consider myself to be a big earth mother or anything but I do believe in the healing power of cosmic energy. Right now I feel so confident that I’ll get better.
How can I not, surrounded by so much love?