When Bad News is Better than No News
I’ve spent the last 2-3 weeks waiting on results, basically driving myself insane. The constant spiral of scenarios spinning around my mind have made me unbelievably anxious and now I’ve given myself hives so I’m itchy and anxious. Annoying.
Anyone who has cancer (or loves someone who does) will know that the waiting’s the worst part. This time I had to await results of a bronchoscopy, CT scan and an MRI to find out if my cancer had spread. Turns out it has.
The spots on the lymph node in my lung are cancerous after all. That doesn’t mean I have lung cancer it just means I have cancer in my lymph nodes. Surgery is completely off the cards for now because we’d be running the risk of further spreading the disease around my body and since the chemo hasn’t shrunk my tumours there’s just too much cancer to operate, the procedure would be massive and they couldn’t guarantee that it would actually extend my life.
I’ve been promoted from a stage 3 to a stage 4 cancer patient which sounds really shit, but I’m feeling strangely positive.
The truth is after 3 long weeks of waiting I’ve realised I’d rather know what’s happening and have a treatment plan in place than be waiting in limbo whatever the outcome. As long as I have a plan and plenty of options then I’m a happy. It’s all about hope you see. Hope may possibly be the most important human emotion. It keeps us all going.
My oncology team have never been 100% certain about the type of cancer I have, the biopsy’s show characteristics of both high and low grade cancer, as the tumours didn’t respond to chemo they now suspect I have a slow moving, hormonal form of cancer. In some ways this is really great news as statistically speaking it means I have a slightly longer life expectancy. The bad news is they don’t know how to cure it, not yet at least.
I’m delighted to say that there’ll be no more chemo for me, not for now anyways. Instead I’m taking a drug called tamoxifen which cuts off the oestrogen receptors on the cancer cells so they can’t feed off the oestrogen in my body. If we can stop the tumours from growing then maybe my immune system will kick in and my healthy cells will have a chance to fight back.
I can live a pretty normal life while I’m taking the pills, I can still travel to the UK, I can go to work and do light exercise there are so many positives.
It’s funny, I spent 2 weeks waiting and expecting the worst then the worst happens and it feels like a good thing. Go figure.